#6.1 We're back and we are not stuck in a rut, or are we?

on Thu Mar 07 2024 20:13:53 GMT-0800 (Pacific Standard Time)

with Darren W Pulsipher, Paige Pulsipher,

Keywords

Is your marriage stuck in a rut??

Darren and Paige have been talking recently about being stuck in a rut, kind of bored, and very predictable. When they aren’t traveling or at something for the kids, they watch a show. Until the show ends, they are in a show hole. Or they go out to dinner, but what else can you do…

A few weeks ago, they would go out on a date. Paige made 2 jars with restaurants to take the “where should we go” out of it. Then Paige had an idea for a date. Head to Kohls and you each pick out two outfits for each other to try on, something you would like to see your partner in (Paige said no lingerie). Then they went into a big dressing room and had a lot of fun trying on clothes together and seeing what each other would pick out.

What else can we do to not be bored:

Could you ask yourself why you feel bored?
-It's important not to try to fix boredom but to consider the reason behind your feelings.
You can take responsibility for changing.
- Now that you’ve assessed the issues around why your marriage has become stale, maybe it's time to make a change. Babysitter for young children, dinner, day trip, weekend getaway. Make it your job to think outside the box and step out of the ordinary.
Consider what you used to do when you weren't bored.
- When you first got married, you probably made eye contact in conversation and focused on one another. Sometimes, familiarity needs to be revisited. There are emotions and stories that only you share. You can take a trip down memory lane.
Be Spontaneous.
Change up your routine. Have a picnic. Instead of turning on the TV, turn on some music and dance. If you are bored with your routine, change it. You do that when you decide to be spontaneous.
You can start a new habit together.
To avoid a boring marriage, it might be time to do something exciting together. Maybe decide to make one day a week special, like Milkshake Monday. Take a class together. Grow and learn together.

The article used in the podcast. https://www.markmerrill.com/5-things-boring-marriage/

Podcast Transcript

Hey, we're back.

It's been about, what, six months,maybe seven months since we podcast it.

It's been a crazy seven months.

We've had a lot going on. I guess.

We have.

And I think even when we dida few podcasts seven months ago,we only did a few podcastslike we haven't been fully back for it.

We've been focusing instantfor a really long time.

No, we haven't.

And I blame the suits for that.

No, not the the Mafia.

Apparel. Men's wear.

No, no TV shows, suits.

It's it's all its fault.

It consumed us for, what, eight seasons?yeah. Yeah.

And we did. We watched a lot. Okay. But.

But I know our listeners are dying to knowwhy we're back, right?

Aren't you all dying to know?

Because we finished shoots.

We finished. We're in the show.

Free time now.

We have free time.

So if you found a new you found a new showfor us to binge watch.

The rookie. The rookie.

We like that show. It's fun. Shotsget you. Okay.

So seriously,you have wanted to come back and podcastfor a really long time and I have beenthe one that has been hesitant.

Well and I have my own podcast Embracing

Digital Transformation that I write.

So I get my podcast fix already. Okay.

But I wanted a podcast with you.

Yeah, just brag about your other podcast.

I it's not bragging.

I get a little,you know, self-promotion, self-promotion.

But you know.

Listen, embracing digital transformation.

No, we actually want you to listento that one.

Yeah. Yes.

Because, you know,you're getting to the point where we can.

Start monetizing. Now. Yeah.

I think you made like a dollar. Lefta dollar 50.

So people, come on, you can help us out.

Help me buy a lemonade.

I was just saying I wanted the lemonade.

All right, but seriously,

So what were you going to say?

Why did we stop podcasting?

Why are we doing it again?

Well, like I said, you.

You have been wanting to start back up.

I have been feeling that we've kind ofsaid everything that there is to sayfrom our perspectiveabout blended families,because our podcast originally startedas a blended family podcast.

Yeah, but it never stuck just to blended.

You know, it didn't we.

Always talked about how to make lemonadewhen life throws you lemons.

Right?

Which is in our introand things like that.

So it kind of already gone that way.

But we're even moving further awayfrom blended families.

Why is that? Paige Not just becausebecause ouryoungest are now moving out of the house.

We're moving to a different space.

So sad.

We have a junior and a senior. That's it.

That's all the stuff anyway.

But yeah, I just I just felt like,

Do we have anything new to say?

Does anybody care about whatwe have to say?

Haven't we said it all?

So that's how I kept feeling.

But in the last month or so,we've been talking about,we really enjoy doing a podcast together.

It it's fun.

It is. It's fun.

It's cheaperthan going to marriage therapy.

That is true.

And this actually gets ustalking a lot about stuff.

Yeah,sometimes I don't want to talk about.

I was going to say, you know, we shouldmaybe have some episodes that arewhere's the lemonade after the recording?

Because Darren doesn't see these thingsuntil we're actually recording.

Like he

I just pulled this up and he was like.

Yeah, the Paige has all the research forthe episodes and then I'm I'm just a tool.

Yeah, well, yeah, you get.

I'm just a tool.

I'm going to I'm going to leave that onealone.

You get the recordingset up and all of that,and then you literally seewhat I have put together, the outline.

We don't have a script.

I just put together an outline.

You see thatas we're getting ready to record.

You know.

Sometimes as we're recording, I'mreading it going, what's. Yes?

So then we if it's anythingnoteworthy,we might have a longer conversation,a dicier conversationafter we stop recording.

So maybe so maybe we should record that.

That'll be on our paid version.

You can find that on YouTube.yeah.

If you subscribe, we'll. We'll set it up.

You can subscribe and see the see the postepisode discussion.

Some outtakes that might be more excitingthan the recording.

Ah, but today we're going to talk aboutwhen your marriage is stuck in a rut.

What's it? Let's get to that.wait, we didn't finishtalking about our new format.okay.

So we're not just going to be talkingabout blended families.

We are going to have one.

We're goingto have four out of the four weeks.

We're going to talk about four differentthings or talk about relationships.

One week we're going to talk about blendedfamilies.

One week we're going to talk aboutwhat are the other travel.

Yeah, travel, maybe date ideas,

I think one.

And then the other one iswe're going to talk about a current eventbecause I know you're all dying to have

Darren Paige talk about current events.

You need to know how we feel about.

Yeah, well.

We'll we'll obviously pick thingsthat we don't agree onbecause that's more fun to listen to.

That's that's really easy.

We don't agree on a lot of stuff,you know.

Until we're done with the conversation,then she obviously agrees with that.yeah. Always, always.

I think 95% of our conversationsend with let's just agree to disagree.

I think she just likes to disagreewith you.

Do say that you're like,why do you want to argue with me?

Yeah, because I just do.

Okay, now back to so todaywe're going to talk aboutare you stuck in a rutwith your relationship?

Because we've we've been feeling that way,especially after we finish suits.

Well, yeah, because our whole.

Our whole world revolves around suits.

Derek, do you have timeto watch your suits for lunch?

Yeah, I do. It's 40 minutes long.

Yeah. Okay.

That is pretty.

Is pretty sad. Our date night,it was like what you want to do tonight?

Let's get some takeout and watch suits.

Yeah, we can.

We can slam downfive episodes of suits and one.my goodness.

We did watch suits on video, Angel. We.

We had to. There is.

Yeah.

If you don't know what good Angel is,look it up it, itcleans up the language or anything elsethat's in our show.

So we did watch it on Ben because there'squite a bit of swearing in it.

So we have been talking aboutare we stuck in a rut?

Are we are we pretty boring?

And so several weeks agowe were like, hey, date nights coming up,what should we do?

And we literally were like,

What should we do?

So we plan for how to do dating.

We what? Yeah, we put we plan it.

We said, what should we do for play?

And you said, Hey, let's plan outsome dates and do something about that.

And that'swhat we ended up doing that night.

We didn't go out at all.

We just sat around and talked about thingsthat we could do, ideas let's remember.

No, I don'tremember that.

That's all we ask. What we have.

So we did.

And that's what led to your jaw idea.

Know the joke?

Okay. Okay.

Don't you remember? Yes. So the Jared.

So let me explain the jar idea.

I have two jars because I don't knowif you guys are like this,but we spend probably a half hour whenwe go out to dinner going, where do we go?

I don't care.

Where do you want to go? I don't know.

Where do you want to go?

And then, you know, one of us might saywe should go here.

Another one goes, I.

I just had. That.

Okay. No, no, I'll say the truth there.

I know it's always Darren that always says

I'm not in the mood for that.

That not

I eat anything and everything.

That's true, anything, anytime.

But okay. So it should go.

No, it's your turn to pick and I'll go,okay, we're going to do Mexican because.

That's not true.

I'll say do anything except for Indian.

I don't like Indian food. That's right.

And then I say,

All right, let's go to Mexican.

She goes, I might if I had that for lunch.

I don't want for.

I think we all relate to this.

So any who.

Okay, I made two jars.

One jar has like fast casual restaurants,restaurants we've been wanting to tryand which restaurants we already like.

Yeah, the other one is nicer.

Restaurantssit down, more expensive restaurants,which I don't typically like those.

I don't. Know.

But you like sitting down and do.

I don't know.

I hate spending money on on food.

I don't know.

I think it's just a waste.

But anyway, so we have two jars. Soa couple of weeks agowe picked one out of the night store.

Yeah. And we went to Sienna.

It was a great dinner,but we were trying to decide at dinner.

We were trying to decidewhat we were going to do.

Yeah.

After dinner and what we end up doing.

I said, drive to Kohl's.that's right.

Yeah, you did? Yeah.

I said, Drive to Kohl's.

And you said,

Why are we going to go shopping?

Yeah.

You were like,

No, Christmas just happened.

We've spent a lot of money.

Why are we going to Kohl's? I'm like,

Just go to Kohl's.

So we went to Kohl's and we got in thereand I said, Okay, you go pick outtwo outfits for me to try on thatyou want to see me try on two trap.

And it's a trap.

I went and picked out two outfitsfor you to try it.

And then you did asked me if you couldpick out lingerie for me to try.

I which I said, no,this was not that kind of date.

I was boring. They told you?

No, We had a lot of fun.

It was fun.

So you picked outyou actually picked out like.

Four out four outfits.

Because you picked outlike you picked a silly one.

All you have to do is silly one.

I didn't pick a silly one for you.

No, you didn't.

I picked out. But it was interesting.

It's interesting, though, to see what your

I like scene.

What does it mean?

I'm going to dress that way.

But I like to seebut I think.

Was the it was the leather booty shortsthat she wouldn't put on.

No it.

Was. Itit was actually interesting because.

I dressed you preppy.

You did, as anyone knows who knows me.

I love clothes, I love shopping,

I love buying clothes.

I love wherenew outfits, love it, love it all.

Darren knows this about me.

And so I wanted to see.

But I mean, I don't get your inputvery often on what I buy or what I wear.

So I was curiousto see what you would pick out for me.

And it was all preppy and I used to love.

I mean, hello, I'm from the eighties.

Preppy.

Preppy works for me.

But you didn't get anything.

I did. I bought that one shirt. yeah?no. We bought the one shirt for me. yeah.

And then the fun outfit I got her,which was the elf costume.

Yeah, it was on clearance for $6.

Yeah, it's.

It's the outfit from Elf that Jovi wearswhen she grows up as well.

So we bought that.

It was actually.

It was cute. And I will wear that.

Yeah, it's pretty cute.

And then I picked out two outfitsthat I wanted you to try onand you got a chance to see them.

And they were preppy outfits.

They were preppy outfits.

I love you in preppy outfits,but you didn't want to buy anything.

No, I'm still.

Losing you, still losing weight.

So you want to buy anything yet? Butit was fun we went into.

Trust me,

Kohl's is dead on a Friday night.

There was no one there.

And so we went.

We didn't knowif you were supposed to do this or not.

We went into a dressing roomand we picked the big one, and we.

We changed our clothes right there.

Yeah, we changed.

We were in the same dressing roomtogether.

I don't know if you're actually supposedto do that in Kohl's,but nobody said anything.

Like I said, nobody was there.

So it was fun. It was really fun.

That was our date.

Yeah. Yeah, it was fun. So.

So doing things.

I guess what you're saying iswe need to do things that area little out of the ordinary. Yes.

Then your typical date night of fast foodand watching shows. Yes.

Not fast food.

We don't eat fast food.

We fast, casual, fast, casual.

Well, I'm just saying we would neverget Burger King or McDonald's.

GROSS.

We get Chipotle or or our Thai for our.

Podcast is not sponsoredby McDonald's or Burger King now.

But if they would have,they want to be kids.

I think you

I think you killed that one just now.

Okay, So Idid some research.

Yep. You did?

On, you know, Mr.

Google and said, you know, stuck in a rut.

Marriages.

What what can we doto not be bored in our marriage?

Because I think it's important.

I think it's importantto not be stuck in a rut.

When you found a couple of articles,right?

I did. I did.

You can find those onthe on the blog site.

We always reference the articles.

There's a link thereso you can look at those.

But you zoned in on one five thingsof a boring marriage.

Five things, two of.

A boring marriage.

Well, five things to do

To not have a boring marriage.

Yes, to help boredom.

So the first one, ask yourself, Darren.

I'm going to.

Ask yourselfwhy you feel bored in our marriage.

I don't feel bored in my marriage.

That is true.

It was methat was feeling bored. Marriage.

I'm perfectly fine staying homeand watching suits and eating Thai.

Yes, you are.

But you're also.

That's one thing I love about you.

You will do anything like literallyif I say we should stay on tonight,watch you. You're like, Great.

If I say let's go out and go dancing,you would say, Great, like you.

You are just you are flexible.

You will you are great that way.

So it says in this article,

Ask yourself why you feel bored.

So it says it's importantnot to try to simply fix boredom,but to consider the reasonbehind your feelings.

So, honey, why do you feel bored?

I just.

It's just like nightafter night of doing the same thing.

I think that's boring.

Okay, so on monotony.

Monotony. Not so many nights.

We'll watch the bat.

No, Tuesday nightswe watch the bachelor bachelor.

Wednesday nights we'll watch Rookie.

I got.

And then Thursday nights we'll watch Rickyand then Friday night to watch for a key.

No, we'll throw on another showand then we'll be on Friday.

Night four. Okay.

But I see what you're saying.

If it's the same thing overand over again, then you become complacentin your relationship.

You do.

And I think that it takes you startnot even really communicatingwith each other.

Like it's just like you're.

Not you're just complacent.

You're just on your treadmill of we knowwhat we're going to do, let's do it.

And you know what I mean?

Yeah, we've donea lot of different fun, fun dates.

You remember thatone progressive dinner that we did? Yes.

But that was like,you know, two years ago. So.

Yeah, I know. Butwe can't do the sameprogressive dinnerevery week that get boring.

I think.

I think what we're trying to say isyour relationships are always going to gothrough theseups and downs. And yes.

You'll be busy with workor grandkids or kids.

And in the most important relationship,you have is the one with your spouse.

So you got to spice it up.

Okay.

So number one, ask yourselfwhy you feel bored.

Okay. Okay. So we did that one,take responsibility for changing.

So this is not changing your spouse?

No, this is changing you.

So it says now that you've assessedthe issues around why you're bored,it's time to make a change.

So it's suggested,you know, if you have young children,make sure you're arrangingfor a babysitter, you know, once a week,every other week, whatever you can afford,you know, make sureyou're going out to dinner or to lunch.

Make sure, you know, do day trips,do a weekend getaway, which we just did.

We just did.

We just did a weekend getaway for Darren'sbirthday, which is in January.

I got him tickets to the opera.

There was an opera coming to Sacramento,and Darren loves the opera and.

This was a weird opera.

It was a weird opera.

It was really weird. But it was fun.

We dressed up.

It was fun.

It's fun. I love I love dressing up.

She and Paigeall dressed to the nines and everyone'slooking at her when we walk in.yes, everyone. Everyone is looking at me.

How many commentsdid you get at the opera about your dress?

Everyone.

What commentsdid you get in the opera about your dress?

I got a few people liked my dress.

Yes, but yes.

I'm glad that you thinkthat everyone's looking at me. They are.

That's really.

I'm walking behind youwatching and staring him down.my mother.

Just so we just did that.

That was really fun.

And it was chill. Like,we didn't do a whole lot.

We slept in.

You are working on your dissertation?

I took a nap.

Like it was not anything exciting,but it was just nice to.

Just was different. It was fun.

Was just to not havethe responsibilities of being.

So that was very much out of the ordinary.

Yes. So it says in this article,

I like thissaid,make it your job to think outside the box.

Step out of the ordinary.

So now, obviously, if you're both workingfull time, you can't make ityour full time job to think outside ofthe box for your date nights.

But if one of you hasa more flexible schedule than the other,maybe you can, you know, that personcan take it upon themselves, right?

To be like, Hey,

I'm going to come up with some ideas.

But it also has to be balanced.

Occasionallythe other person has to step inand say, you know, Hey, I'll come upwith an idea for this weekend. But.

Well,and there's also lots of books out there.

Yeah, 100, 100 dating ideas or we've gotone that we scratch off and Yeah.

And they don't cost a lot.

And you can do some really fun thingswithout it costing a whole lot.

Just change things up, I guess is what.

And as soon as it starts to get warmer,which here in California,it is gorgeous today.

There's so much more to do when it's niceoutside.

Yeah, you can go paddleboarding,you can go to the lake and have a picnic.

I mean, you can go onhikes are so bike rides.

There's so many things to dowhen the weather's nice.

All right.

Okay.

Next one, Consider what you used to dowhen you weren't bored.

Isn't that interesting?

So it said when you firstgot married, you probably made eye contactin conversation.

Right?

And you focused on one another, right?

Right.

Because you werestill learning about each otherand you were still super interested.

And then it says sometimesfamiliarity needs to be revisited.

So it says talk aboutlike there's stories and things thathave happened that only you and I shareand that only you and I know about itsaid, Take a trip down memory.

Lane like that one time.

You remember that one time? Yep,

I do remember. There's lots of one time.

So when I would talk about that.

But no, it's just take a trip downmemory lane.

Like what?

So when you go out to dinnerand if you're like, Wow,there's nothing for us to talk aboutbesides the kids or work, right?

So take it, you know, reminisceabout when you were dating,about when you're, you know,your wedding day or the first year.

Just reminisceabout some of the good times.

And I really like that one.

No, I like that one, too.

Now, the eye contact thingthat can be kind of hard.

Because you're looking at your phone.

No one not looking at my phone.

I said, that's what you know.

As men. No, the trick, right.

You don't have to look at her eyesthe whole time.

You can look at her eyebrows.my gosh.

Her ears or her nose.

Because it gets boringlooking in my eyes. No.no. It's.

Some people feel uncomfortablelooking in other people's eyes.

Well, now, when you're married, doyou feel uncomfortable looking in my eyes?

No, I don't.

But I know people that.

Do looking at their spouses eyes.

That's weird.

If you're. If you're uncomfortablelooking at your spouse.

I'm really sorry for all the people.

My wife just offended that.

You need to get some counselingif you're uncomfortablelooking in your spouse's eyes.

I'm just going to put that out there.

I'm sorry for the offense she just put on.

Okay. Number four,be spontaneous.

Change up your routine.

You know, I think this isthis has become an issue because of COVID.

I work from home now.

Yes. Right.

So before the house was your.

It was my domain domain.

Now it is House is my domainand your domain together.

Yeah.

Which I think is hilarious becauseyou move me from my man cave upstairsto the office downstairs,which is in the center of her domain.

So it's because I wanted the game roomto truly be a game room.

I think you. Just want me around. I do.

I want you within ten feet of me all dayfreaking long.

You got it right.

I'm at home more than you are now.

That is very true.

That is true.

Okay, But yes, be spontaneous.

So instead of turning on the TV,that's your go to that's an easy go to.

It's a turn on some music dance.

Talk aboutyour what music was at your weddingor what was our songwhen we were dating like dance to those.

It says if you're bored with your routine,change the routine.

Well, there's a lot of really interestingthings that you may not even think of.

Some of the routines you can dois go to a high school sporting event.

They're pretty cheap.

Yeah. Yeah, they are.

And that can be a lot of fun, too,you know?

And then that'll bring back memoriesof when you were in high schoolthat you could share with your spouse.

Maybe you went to high schooltogether. Yep.

Or there's alwayscommunity things going on.

You'd be surprisedat how many community eventsthere are in your wherever you live.

There's lots going onthat you can explore is interesting.

Even when we were on our little getaway,we just went to,we just went 25 minutes awaylike we did not go far.

And we spent the night at a hoteland we were chilling.

But then I found this mansionthat wasjust 10 minutes away from our hotel,walking for free that you can tour.

And we went and did that.

Yeah, that was fun. It was. Fun.

Yeah. We learned a little bitabout the history in California. Yeah.

And it's just interestingthat they're thingsthat are so close to your homethat you haven't even exploredand they don't have to cost much money.

So they may be spontaneous.

Be spontaneous.

Okay, This next one I think is hilarious.

Okay. It's start a new have it together.

Why is a hilarious.

Because it's a habitwhich means it's repetitive,which means itthen becomes boring later on.my gosh.

Well, not for a bit.

Not for a bit. All right.

So one of the ones they had,

I think this one's funny as well.

Milkshake Monday.

And in our house, if you have a milkshake

Monday, you have an upset

Monday night upset tummy Monday night.

And a tired Tuesday for being upsettummy all night.

Yes I know I like. I like this idea where.

I had you.

Every Thursday morning we're going to goand we did this where we weren'tstuck in a total rush.

We started playing pickleball Mondaymorning. It's just we did.

Just you and I. Yeah, that was fun.

It was fun.

We need to get back to that.

We haven't. We've been hit and miss.

But yeah,it says to not have a boring marriageit might take some,you know, takes some doingsome exciting things togetheror like you said,just making like one special like Yeah,

I kind of like that idea.

Like one day a week is special.

It's whatever it isfor just you and your spouse.

And do you think this iseven more important?

Has you become empty nesters? Yes.

Which we're getting close to, Right?

We've got a year and a half and. Yep.

Paige, you can be crying every daybecause she misses the boys. Yep.

I think it's really importantbecause, man,your days can just run into one another.

So you could do Taco Tuesdaymilkshake Monday.

Everything is around food,

I just sayyou can volunteer.

There's plenty of placesthat will take volunteers where you can govolunteer for two or 3 hours a week.

Yeah, and on the same day.

And that could be.

That could be a really great thingto do as a coupleor even do individually,because now you have something to talkwith your spouse. Yes.

I mean, say it does. I mean, this did sayyou starting to have it together.

But I think it's also equally as importantto do things on your own.

And then you have something to talk about,

Right.

Like I did this todayand I'm going to share this. So.

Yeah. Well, hey.

And so it was really funnyat the food bank where I was today,where someone brought in,you know, £5,000 of mashed potato pearls.

And you know what we do with it?

We didn't know what to do with it.

You know, just little things that you doevery day that will bring up conversationand help you continue to connectwith your spouse.

Sounds good.

Sounds likewe're not stuck in a rut anymore.

I don't thinkwe were really stuck in a rut.

It was justwe were just sad because suits ended.

That's all it was.

You were just going through withdrawals.

Show hole, show hole.

All right, Our lemonade moment of the.

Week has to do with our little getaway.

So because I've been attendingthe same hotel chain for 30 years,we get access to the club lounge,which is really kind of cool,because they have desserts at nightand we get free breakfast in the morning.

So it's kind of fun.

So we go to the lounge to get dessertand they had chocolate cheesecake thereand we were like,

Yes, we'll come back later and get that.

After we go eat some dinner, we'll comeback and get a chocolate cheesecake.

We came backand there was a family in therewith four little kids and they tookall the chocolate cheesecake.

Yeah, they were sitting there withall these cheesecakes in front of them.

I think they were going to take them backto their hotel.

I don't know.

Those kids looked like they took one biteand it was like, I'm going to take onebite and throw it away. And I was like,

Are you kidding me?

I wanted that chocolate cheesecake.

But the lemonade from thatis itbecause there was no chocolate cheesecake?

It saved me from gettinga stomach ache that night because I.

I would not have been able to resistresist the chocolate cheese.

So. All right.

So we found some lemonade.

We did, even though weliterally were like, seriously.

And we actually that work there.

Is there anymore in the back.

She said, Nope, we're all out.

More like kids, little kid.

I know.

I was like, I'm going to go stealthat chocolate cheesecake from that kid.

I don't care if they took a bite out.