#5.3 Why is our Marriage Boring????

on Thu Feb 02 2023 07:00:00 GMT-0800 (Pacific Standard Time)

with Darren W Pulsipher, Paige Pulsipher,

Paige approached Darren about a topic for the podcast. Monotony in marriage. He was a little shocked. Is our marriage boring? Is it too monotonous? Where has the excitement and fun gone??



The week after Christmas was boring…. saying.

At the beginning of a marriage, everything feels new and exciting. You've got romantic date nights planned for weeks, and what may become future annoyances are just endearing little quirks that make you love your spouse even more. But unfortunately, that honeymoon stage won't last forever. Eventually, things are going to simmer down, and you might even find yourself feeling, well, bored. You can start feeling that marriage is more like a routine than a relationship.

Fighting the Monotony

Luckily, that feeling doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. All it means is that you might need to devote more time and energy to making things exciting again. Let's talk about what might be adding to the monotony of your marriage:

You don’t surprise each other.

It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant, but finding ways to surprise your spouse, whether a gift or a thoughtful act, can keep your marriage fresh. “What do you and your partner need to feel loved?” Make sure your surprises match their needs and personality.

Sharing too much or not enough.

You need to share more with your partner, OR you are joined at the hip! You need to bond with your partner and be vulnerable. Sharing can be the exchange of information, emotions, and experiences. Try discussing some of your fav shared experiences. It will remind you of great times and give you ideas. On the other hand, you need to be your person. Couples who spend too much time together can quickly start to feel bored. Find new hobbies of your own and have experiences away from your spouse sometimes. Then share about those.

Technology is consuming you.

Ok, people. Get off your phones!! This is for us as well. To avoid “phubbing,” institute some phone free time each day. Be present!!!

Your not putting energy into your relationship.

We initially go through our romantic stage, but a few years in, that can start to ebb a little. You need to reinvent and rekindle your relationship constantly. Be more deliberate about giving your marriage the care and attention it deserves, even after the butterflies die.

Your not setting goals for your relationship.

It's pivotal to establish new goals to strive for. If not, you’re bound to feel unenthused about the future. Supporting and encouraging each other – whether solo or as a couple – increases love. “Happiness comes from moving toward what you want, not necessarily getting it.”

We are too routine.

Having a humdrum daily routine can make any relationship feel boring. Try new restaurants, new hobbies, and new places to visit. Get out of your comfort zone.

Help available

There are a lot of other examples in the articles of why we are bored and how to alleviate the boredom. We will keep you posted on how we are doing.

Lemonade moment of the week

I enjoyed visiting family and grandkids. At my aunt's 80th birthday party, I saw many cousins we hadn’t seen in a while. Fun dancing! Not boring!!

Links this Week

★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★
Podcast Transcript


Okay, So when was this?

A couple of weeks ago.

You approached me about a topicfor the podcastthat was basically monotonyin our marriage.

It's specifically in our marriage.

Well, we were talking aboutwhat we were going to discussin our next podcast,and you were like, Paige,do some research since I am the researchdepartment of Worst Lemonade.

Yes, you are.

And I startjust like looking for ideas online.

I didn't know how I came across it,but also I was like,

I've got it, I've got the topic.

And there was like, Oh, what?

And I said, Monotony in marriage.

And he's like, Oh, really?

I said, Yes, let's discuss.

It's a thing.

It's a thing for us.

It's a thing.

I think for some of us more than others.

So I think this came off of thiswas about two weeksafter our horrendous week after Christmaswhen all the kids were gone.

And Sam was working and we just satand binge watched e.R. E.R.

We got through five seasons in a week.

It was pathetic. I guess four seasons.

It was only four seasons,but it was pretty pathetic,and it didn't make me feel good.

You know?

Yeah, it it didn't.

I felt weird.

And then afterwards, you were like,

We're kind of stuck in a rut.

And we've had episodesabout getting stuck in a rut before.

We haveyou can go back and listen to those two.

But it's just becausewe're doing the same thing over and over.

That monotony. Yes.

So the research department,which always does such a good job for.

She does a great job.

Check out our blog where you can see thelinks to the articles that she research.

Yes, I always,you know, find some some peoplethat know what they're talking about.

Or where we make fun of what.

Or we make fun of what they talk about.

Yes. Sorry about that.

But yeah, I found some articlesand it does it about, you know, monotony,not monogamy.


Well, I thought we should name the episode

Monotony and monogamy.

But then some of you might thinkthis is a different kind of episode.

That's not what we're talking about.

Just boredom staleness, right?

Well, it wasn't like thatthe first year of our marriage,or maybe even the first threeor four years of our marriage.

That's the thing.

So in these articles, it would say,like in the beginning of your marriage,like everything, it feels new and excitingand you'reyou've got romantic date plannedand you leave notes for each other and,you know, and everything that they dois cue all their little quirks.

They're so cute and endearing.

And then and then what?

And then that honeymoon stagedoes not last forever.

No, it does it.

All right.

So I have a question on that.

If I left you a note every single time

I left for workon a business trip,would that get monotonous as well?

I don't think so. You should try it. Okay.

I you.

There have been notesthat you have left for me years ago.

I know they're still. They're still up.

I know the notes are still.

He had sticky notes that he put.

Like I would open up my cupboard to get,you know, like my clothes and it's,you know, there's a sticky note.

I love you and my makeup and it's like,

I can't wait to see you again.

Like, I don't need to create new onesbecause they're already up.

Maybe you just write ditto on them.

Maybe I'll do that.

And they just keep putting like a hashmark by it.

Thinking of you again.

But you know, it doesn't last foreverand things are going to simmer downand you might find yourself feeling boredand and maybe your your relationshipfeels more like a routinethan a relationship.

And I think that happens to a lot.

I think that happens to a lot of people.


We're now just in a routine.

We're not in a relationshipor we're in a relationship.

We're in we're we're in a routine.

We're in a we're yes,we're in a relationship.

B, Is that a word?

Yeah. Relationship routine.


Well, I mean, that's so key to the wholebecause that bringscomfort and reliability.

But you say you need tomix it up every once in a while.

Yeah. I mean, I'll. Okay. I'll say.

You mean that your marriage is doomedif you fallen into this?

No, not at all.

Not at all.

No, it doesn'tmean your marriage is doomed.

But if both of you are happy with yourrelationship routine, thenstop listening to this episode Right now.

Does that meanwe can't finish the whole series of e Rbecause we're halfway through now?

I'm just saying, if you're bothif you're like, Hey, this is great,this is comfortable, This is exactly where

I want our relationship to be.

That's okay.

If you're bothif you both feel that way, that's great.

But the two people in our relationshipmight not feel so.

Yes, that's true.

But I don't know.

There is something to

I know when we go to bed, we'regoing to watch an episode or two of you.

Okay. Now,

I do have to say I look forward to that.

Like sometimes I'm like,okay, is it time to say prayer?

Is it time to go to bed?

Just because I got to knowwhat happens in ur next?

No, I mean, I look forward to that.

I don't think there's anything wrongwith some routines in a relationship.

There's no. Change.

But what you're saying is if it's the sameevery single day, all the time,that sparkis kind of slowly fading away. Yes.

When it's just like,wake up, you know, do the same thing,go to bed, wake up,like when there's just nothing different.

I think that you start to lose some spark,that's all.

You know what?

I'll start leaving my socks on the floor.

That's so. Sweet.

I haven't done it for yearnow, so maybe I should start.

It'll take me back to our first yearmarriage, you know?

See, I'm trying. You're very thoughtful.

That maybe that could bemy Valentine's Day present.

Maybe that's what I do for about six.

Oh, I can't wait. Is so exciting.

No, I know what you.

I know where you come from.

There's some excitementwhen you're first marriedbecause you're still learning a lotabout each other.

You're still. Yes.

You're still in the throes.

Like an onionthat you keep peeling back. Right.

So we're at the core of the onionand there's nothing left.

And we're justwe just got tears now from that onion.

No, you know,that we're actually pretty good atwe were pretty good at mixing things up.

But that week after Christmas.

Week after Christmas, yeah, that.

Was roughthat we were not mixing anything up.

It was also it was terrible weather.

You didn't feel like connecting with workand it just.


Yeah. Well, I was on the beach.

Yes, you are.


Okay, so now, now we've set the stagefor how boring our marriage is.

We can't even tell you our normal routine.

What's our normal routine? Well, I'm home.

I'm home almost every day now because ofof work on travel restrictions still.

So I'm home every day.

So I wake up,

I come into my office and work.

We have lunch together most of most daily.

Yeah. And then we have dinner and then.

Wow, it's a pretty boring lifenow. It's not that boring, but

I like the advice that they gave here,which.

Which is interesting advice.

So you can take kind of a little notefor yourself.

How do you fit into the boringcategory or not?

How does that sound?

Yeah, so if you do feel like you'rein this boring rut,like Darren said,your marriage is not doomed,but it means you might need to devotea bit more time and energy to make thingsexciting again. And, you know what?

Marriage is work.

And if you're putting the leastamount of energy into your marriageand you're putting all your energyinto kids and work and church and friends,your priorities need to be readjustedfor sure.

And, you know,we feel the same way, right?

Like sometimesyou have to readjust and go,wait a second,why are we last on the list?

So so because we're boring.

Oh, well, that's where it goes too.

So we're reliable.

I know you're alwaysgoing to be there for me no matter what.

So sometimes my priorities get shiftedmore towards work because I don't knowthat it's going to be there.

I need to put extra effort in. Yeah.

Or maybe one of our kidsis having an issue at the momentand we need to focus on them for a while.

Yeah, for sure.

But what you're saying is don't forget.

Don't forget.

Don't forget that your relationshipis one of the most if.

Not, it is the most important.

Thing right in your life.

So, so let's talk about what might beadding to the monotony of your marriage.

Okay, Here we go. Okay, so first thing,you don't surprise each other.

So just like me. Did that surprise you?

No. No.

So just like we were talkingabout the notes, right?

Like you surprised me.

That, like, gives me butterflies if, like.

I did not know that. Oh, totally.

So you're saying the small thingsthat are outside of the ordinary.

It does not have to be extravagantif you don't want to, you know, like, Oh,

I can't spend moneybecause you haven't done things.

Like when I've gone on a girlstrip, you've had thingswaiting for us at our hotel.

So sweet, like, so sweet.

But yes, if you're like, Oh,we can't spend money on that, that's fine.

It can be a no. It can be a sticky.


You can put notes in suitcasesand things like that. Yes.

It just it's a thoughtful act.

Keeps your marriage fresh.

I also likewhat the article said here, too.

Or at least what you put in the research,which is the Cliffnotes of the articles. Yes.

Make sure your surprises match the needsand the personality of your spouse. Yes.

Okay. So what does that mean?

What are peoplewhat do you think that means?

People are sayingthey're going to understand.

Well, if I got you a jar of pickles,that would be a surprise.

That would be a surprise.

But not a good surprisebecause you hate pickles.

I would laugh and go, why did you do this?

This is obviouslyhe forgot that I hate pickles.

Well, and maybeyou need to figure out yourlove language, which I know that you'relike the love language.

It's a thing like some people,they are gift people.

They want a gift.

It doesn't mean you have to gobuy them an expensive gift,but go buy him a candy bar like, you know,

I mean, like or maybe it'sthey need affectionor maybe it'sthey need some spontaneity or they.

You know what I mean? Like So, yes,you need to know.

So if you're like, well,

I sit by you on the couch every nightand hold your hand, Well,that might not be enough.

So, yes, I love how they said to tomatch their needs with your personality.

Enough. If I just hold your hand.

Oh, you want me to rub your feet?

You don't rub my feet very often.

I know. So that would be a surprise.

That would be a surprise.

So I see.

I can't rub them every night,otherwise it's not surprising.

It become boring.

It become boring. So you mix it up.

All right, next one, you're not sharingenough with your partner oryou're joined at the hip.


Both. Both are.

Both are not great, right?

So if you're not sharing enoughwith your partner.

Right. Like,you need to bond with each other.

You need to be vulnerable.

If you're at the point in your marriagewhere you're like, Oh, I don't want toyou know, I'm not going to botherto tell them this becauseand that might lead to this conversationthat like so I'm not even going to share.

I'm going to share with my girlfriend.

That's not a good place to bein your marriage.

Right. To not want to share.

I don't know. It's interesting.

I watched my grandparentswhen I was a kid.

I was at their house.

They shared a lotwithout saying a word to each other.

It was amazing.

Well, it's said inthe article, sharing can be the exchangeof information, emotions and experiences.

So they were maybe,you know, sharing emotions.


They just they knew what each other, what.

Each other wanted need.

So I like that that that that sharing goesthere.

Now, what about joining at the hip?

Well, so you need to be your own person.

So couples who spendtoo much time togethercan easily start to feel boredbecause they're spendingtoo much time together.

So you need to make surethat you are doing thingsthat feel fill your bucketoutside, just like,

Oh, here's a good example.

You went to lunch the other daywith a friend.

Yeah, you're very good friend and you guyswere at lunch for like 3 hours.

If it was not this time.

It was like two and a half. Hours.

It was.

It was an hour and 45. No, no, no.

Both of our wives started calling us.

It was hours.

It was an hours.

It was an hour and 45 minutes.

And both of our wives started calling us.

And it's funny because when they go outto lunch, it's like a three hour ordeal.

But they just weren't used to us guyshanging out and talking to each other.

You guys left 1145.

I called you at two and asked,you bring something home for Sam.

It was it was 130.


But you didn't come home till two.

Well, I had to buy stuff for Sam. Oh.

My gosh.

You guys, I'm just saying.

An hour, an hour and 45 minutes into it.

Yeah. Both of our wives were calling you.


That is true. We're like,

What are you guys doing?

You know, like, so.

No, that was good, though.

And, and even my friendsaid it was good to talk to someonejust besides my wife. Yes.

Because I needed a new perspectiveand there wasn't the emotions in it.

Right. Right.

Where because we,you know, we could talk about itwithout the emotion of the relationshipthat we have with a spouse.

And we weren't even talkingabout our spouses.

We were talking about kid things or workthings, right.

Or, you know, otheryou know, other the world events things.

Right. And so it was interesting.

And I kind of like that that aspect that,hey, it's it's okay.

It's okay to go out and do other thingswithout your spouse.

Just that shouldn't bethe only thing that you do.

You still need to connectwith your spouse. Yes.

You shouldn't be telling your friendsmore than you were telling your spouse.

Correct? Right.

Yeah. So yeah.

But find new hobbies of your own.

Have experiences awayfrom your spouse sometimes,and then you share about those things.

Yeah, it's kind of funnybecause you. You wanted to tie it.

Did I get that right? Right.

That's pulling my.

Leg. Your cool and your lingo is likeyou. Wanted the.

T, which you always want to

After I get backbecause I do want to hear all you're like,

Oh, feel the T baby.

Yeah. So yeah, so.

Okay, so there's that one.

Okay, the next one.

Technology is consuming.

You know, I work for a high tech company.

Are you already going to goon the defensive?

No, I'm not.

I want all of you to consume more of oftechnology because I get paid when you do.

So That is true.

So please buy more laptops,buy more cloud services.

It's okay. Oh, my gosh.

Go spend your money on electronics. I'mokay with.

That. Okay.

Do you have any issues with that? Yes.

People get off your phonesand I'm not saying that to all of youor I am saying that to all of you.

And I'm also saying that to these twopeople sitting here, get off your phones.

But unless you're listeningto our podcast, don't stop.

Invite your spouse to listen with you.

That's right.

So to avoid falling victim, to flubbing.

Some made up word, I don't know.

I've never heard fug fudging.

Okay, So if any of you out thereknow what, 5 minutes.

So I had to look it up.

Actually, it's a phone, Robin.

So Fabien is okay.

So you know the word snubbing, right?

So you're snubbing someonewhen you're ignoring them or whatever.

So Fabien is you're ignoring someonebecause you're on your phone, hence thecube.

So, Fabien, you're snubbing someonebecause you're on your phone.

How do you like that?

So don't fall victim to Fabien.

So the article suggested to institutesome phonefree time each day be present.

Now, Darren is sick of hearingabout this from me because I'mlike a broken record on Tammy.

It's not even about the timeyou spend on your phone.

It's not not I'm not seeing you.

I'm saying in general, it's not about it'snot about the time that people spend on.

Their it's about winners.

It is about win.

It's about reading the room.

If your child comes over to you andwants to talk to you, put your phone down.

I don't know.

But sometimes I might talk to you aboutthings you don't care about.


I don't really care about Pokémon.

It doesn't matter.

You have to go. Huh?

Uh huh, uh huh.

And ask even one or two questions.

And that's what you do.

So youbecause you're showing that you care.

Showing that you careand that you're interested.

So it is not I to me, this is just me.

This could be differentfor all of you out there.

It is not about the amount of timeyou're spending on your phone.

It is when when are you spendingthat time on your phone?

Are you giving your family,your spouse enough?

Wait, this one, just one. Say,

I got to answer this email.

Uh huh, yes.

This is a thing with us.

It is.

It is a thing. It is.

I mean, how often do you How often?

Every few months. I say to Darren, like.

I fall, I fall victim to it.

Sometimes I'm like, So,you know, the whole phone thing.

And he's like, Oh, okay, I'll do better,

I'll do better.

But if to my own defense, I've beenso I been connected to workfor 30 years,actually, since I started my career,

I had a pager or a phonebecause I was always on call.

So it's a bad it's a really bad habit.

I, I hear that beep go off and I go,

That's got to be important.

I need to check and see if it is.

Yes, but you know me, I actually I'm I'mnot bothered when it does work.

But when you're reading the newson your phone,when we're just like sitting,having a conversation, I mean,you know better than do that with mebecause if he's fobbing me,

I'm freaking out. Yeah. Don't fuck me.

Oh, yeah, It's.

It's. It's a problem

We really don't want to page.

It's getting weird. Yeah.

All right, let's let's.

Let's go to the next one.

Not putting energy into your relationship.

You already talked a little bitabout this. We did talk a little about.

If you're if you're in a rutand you're like, well,

I'm just relying on this relationship,we'll just keep going the way it is.

It's going to run out of energy.

So you need to put energy into it.


You know, think about romantic thingsthat your spouse enjoys,whether it's candy, flowers,music, dancing,you know, whatever it may be, candle,candlelight dinners, whateverthe case may. I don't even feel likeit has to be that way.

What do you think?

I think I mean, that's.

The this is where men and womenare completely confusedbecause as men,we have no idea what our women's want.

Well, no one you're puttingit doesn't have to be romantic, though,is what I'm saying, is to to reinventand rekindle your relationship.

It doesn'tnecessarily have to be romantic.

You can go be like, Hey, you want to goplay pickleball today with me?

It's been it's been together.

It's it's doing. Things.

I got to do things together.


Just sitting therewatching a movie together. Right?

And it's not just like you going outand doing something for that person.

Like, Oh, I'm going to go buy her flowers.

I'm going to go buy her,which that's great too.

But I don't want men to thinkthat they always have to be doing that.

They don't.

Hey, let's go on a walk together.

Let's go something different, you.

Know, something to do together sothat just so you feel like and, you know,obviously women can do this to.

In fact, I am not a fan of womenthinking that only menhave to do this kindof thing. That men have toare the have to bethe instigators in all relationship,you know,going and making a date that, oh, well,he didn't plan anything.

I believe that you bothshould take responsibility for that.

And going back to the weekafter Christmas.

Yeah, we said we will never letthat happen again.

We will put things on the calendar like,

Hey, Monday, we're going to do this

Tuesday we're going to do this.

Was it really this?

So I think that's a great idea.

Putting energy into your relationshipis to sit down with the calendar and say,

This is going to be our date nightand we're going to go out to eatand you're going to plan it.

And then the next week we're going to godo this and I'm going to plan it, right?

I'll take turns. I like that.

All right.

Next one, make sure you're setting goalsfor your relationship.

What in the world does that mean?

I mean, we hit our goal. We're married.

That was our goal, wasn't it?

Well, a lot of people,like when they get married, liketheir goalis to buy a house, to have kids, to write.

I want to buy this car.

I want to get through school. Like, right.

You're not talkingjust relationship goals.

You're talking goals in generalin your life.

Goals and journalthat you are both working towardsor that your supporting someone like, Oh,you're getting your Ph.D.right now.

I'm supporting you in that goal.

Does that make sense? Yeah.

So a lot of times when you're like, Well,we've bought the house,we have the kids, right?

Like, you know,we and you don't set any new goals.

It was seen in this articlethat you become unnamed,unenthused about the futureif you don't set goals with each other.

So isn't that interesting?

Oh, that is interesting.

And I love this quote.

It says,

Happiness comes from moving towardwhat you want, not necessarily getting it.

I love that.

Also, it's the journey, not the journey.

Oh, brother, I hate that.

I don't. Know.

I like the destinationwhen we're on a long international flight.

Yeah, more than the international.

Yeah, absolutely.

No, but I understandwhere you're coming from on this.

We're doing something togetherto achieve a goal in the end,and we're building our relationshipeven stronger.

Relying on each other, helping each other.

I like that part of it. Yeah.

So, you know, support each otherand set some goals.

Maybe their financial,maybe their emotional, maybe their.

Maybe their spiritual. Yes,maybe their spiritual.

But maybe, you know, hey,

I've got this goal.

Do you want join me in that? No.

Okay, great.

Can you support me? And let's.

Let's do something. Together.

Let's do some couple goals. So, yeah,

I actually really like them.

Yeah, well, that's something we can workon. Yeah, you're.

We're working towards something together,so I really like that.

Okay, Next one, your two routine.

You always eat at the same restaurants.

You always walk the same neighborhood.

Everything's humdrum,everything's the same.

And your boring.

So it says, try new restaurants.

For fact, we were talking about.

Oh, yes, we we, you know, help outwith a couple of different charities.

And we're seeing some of the new.

Some of the new new to us. Yeah.

Some of the old areas of Sacramentoand the surrounding cities.

And we're like, huh?

I don't know.

Yeah, there's new restaurants over there.

So like 15 minutes from our house.

Who knew that all these restaurantsexisted, like.

Or parks or, you know. So get out.

Driving around,we're all now because we drive.

We go and drive.

Go, go on a drive. Let's go on a drive.

Oh, my gosh.

But, yeah, but,you know, get outside your comfort zone.

Try something new. Like pickleball.

We just picked up pickleball.


We are so good at itnow. Oh, my gosh. Not.

Not even close.

It's funny, though, but it's fun.

Yeah, it is good fun.

All right.

There's a lot of other examplesof how to keep things fresh.

Check out the articles on our blog siteand your and you'll find outa lot more.

Okay. Our limiting one was the week.

We went to Utah this weekend.

And we got to experience a lot of fun.

It was snowing.

I took a day off from work to go skiingwith my granddaughter and my son in law.

And my son. Yep.

And it was beautifulfor the first two runsand then the third runturned into a massive blizzard.

Yeah, well,

I'll post the video up on on YouTube.

It was crazy.

And then we couldn't ski the restof the day, so that kind of stunk.

But that later that evening we went toyour aunt's 80th birthday party.

You got to see all of your bestiecousins. Yeah.

So some of them

I had not seen in years, decades.


Yeah. Some of them 15, 20 years.

I hadn't seen them.

So that was awesome. Got to see my mom.

And then we we had an entertainerthat was an Elvis impersonatorand a ventriloquist. So funny.

And then we dance the night away.

We had so much fun dancing.

See, that's not boring.

The best part for me was watching

Paige interact with her cousinsand hearing the storiesthat they had to tell aboutwhen they were growing up and rollerskating in the basement and things.

It was fun to just see herturn back into a little girlthat enjoyed all that time with hercousin.

Yeah, it was fun.

That was a fun party.

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Where you can leave questionsand comments. Add.

But most of all.

Go out and make some lemonade.

You betcha, baby.