#5.7 Let's Stay in Love
on Thu Mar 09 2023 07:00:00 GMT-0800 (Pacific Standard Time)
with Darren W Pulsipher, Paige Pulsipher,
When a relationship is new, you see the world through rose-colored glasses. Everything is fresh and new. As you look at each other, you see someone who is exciting and perfect. Even the world around you seems brighter and happier than before you found each other.
Keywords
Over time, however, things start to change. Challenges occur, and flaws emerge. The rose-colored glasses come off, and reality sets in. This is when love begins to morph a bit. Saying loving things toward each other takes a bit more effort. Love takes more effort, but practice makes perfect! As you weather storms together, you develop a more profound love and appreciation for each other than ever before.
If you’ve been out of that “new” stage for a while and need some ideas to freshen your love up, here we go:
- YOU LOOK GREAT! Compliments work and mean a lot. Don’t hold back. We need to hear it!
- THANK YOU! After you’ve been together for a while, taking each other for granted is normal. Thank you is very simple and extremely important. It’s saying I appreciate what you do for me.
- I THINK YOU’RE AMAZING! We sometimes think that our partner knows magically what we are thinking. So, we stop vocalizing those thoughts.
- I LOVE YOU ANYWAY…When your spouse makes a mistake, it can be challenging for both of you. But what you say at that moment will have a lasting impact. When you say, “I love you anyway,” you’re telling them regardless of the mistake, I will still love you.
- WE’LL GET THROUGH IT! This is saying we’re a team, and I’m on your side. A marriage can go through many trials, and it's essential to make sure your partner feels your love through it.
- YES, I’D LOVE TO! Maybe the theatre or sports aren’t your things, but if your spouse loves those things, show your support. If they ask you and want you to join them, do it. That may not always be the case; sometimes they may want to go with friends or family who have the same love of that thing, but when they want you to go, go.
- I UNDERSTAND - Saying “I understand” really says, “I get you.” It’s a comfort to know that someone gets you without even really having to explain your feelings.
- WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? One of the most basic definitions of love is putting another’s needs before our own. We may find this easy for our children, but sometimes we forget to do it for our spouse. Remember to ask your spouse, “What can I do for you?” which says, “I want to support you and lessen your burden.” Sacrificing your time for something your spouse needs will strengthen your bond.
- I’M HERE FOR YOU! Remind your spouse that they can always count on you. Always have each other’s backs.
- I LOVE YOU! These 3 simple words should be said every day. They confirm your care and devotion
Lemonade moment of the week
Links
Podcast Transcript
1
On today's episode.
Let's talk about staying in love.
Okay.
So our great research department, a.k.a.
Paige, came up with a great topicthis week.
I'm actually excited about it.
I think it's actually pretty interesting.
You kind of just learned about itlike 2 minutes ago. Yes.
No. No.
Well, you learned about a week agowhen we were going to record it,like I told you about it.
Then we've all started not feeling well.
You were out of town for a couple days,and then we literally just pulled it upand I was like, Wait, what are we doing?
So it's kind of fresh for both of us.
You've never seen it?
No. And I had toto renew it to my eyes once again.
Okay, so.
So what's interesting about this one iswhat can we do?
When we were first engaged,even before we were engaged, were married.
Say, before we were engaged?
Yes. Holy cow.
Could not stay away from me. Too much PDA.
All of ourchildren and anyone around uswill definitely say that.
Yes, absolutely. And it was. It was much.
In fact, here's a funny story. Was this.
This was on our honeymoon.
And we were going to
I don't know if it was likewe were we were on our way to our wayon our way there to the honeymoon.
We were in the airport in lineto ask the ladyat the desk, at the United deska question.
And we were waiting and we weren't likewe were just like we were standing in lineand we were sittingnext each other and we,you know, we kissed and then we would talkand then we would kiss.
And she got mad.
Was it the lady at the desk?
Yes, the lady behind us. No,it was the lady at the desk.
It was the night she was like, Oh,my gosh, why don't you guys get a room?
This is so inappropriate.
And we were we were so taken abackbecause we were, like, doing a literallywe were just we were kissing and huggingand hugging, but it wasn't like we were.
Anyway, yeah,maybe that's why I have one case status.
Why? Because I complained.
I didn't complain. No, we didn'tcomplain. No, no.
Even though she was. She.
She was really. She was really upset.
She was really upset.
So we were like,she needs a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
Whatever she needs, she needs something.
But over time, that kind of slowlychanges and things kind of fade.
They do.
And not just being affectionatewith each other.
In fact, that'snot even what this podcast is about.
It's more about the things you sayto each other and,and you you see each otherwhen you're dating and when you're engagedand you're just feeling that new.
And probably even the firstmaybe couple of years you're married,you see each other through rose coloredglasses, right?
Everything they do is cute and funny.
Right in my socks on the floor.
Yeah.
I mean, yeah,that's each something so minor.
But you're right.
I mean, like, all those little things,like, oh, they chew too loud or they.
Whatever it is, I mean, likeyou think you did in the beginning,you thought it was cute and you thought itwas, Oh, just a little quirk.
And a few yearsin, it's annoying and it's bugging you.
And why is it bugging you? Yeah, exactly.
No, Why?
Why does that bug you? What?
But the little things I do.
I didn't say that.
I think in general.
Oh, in general, Nothing.
Nothing that you do ever bothers you?
No. Mm hmm.
Okay. But no, it's true.
Like,over time, challenges occur, flaws emerge,the rose colored glassescome off, and reality sets in.
Right?
I think it sets in fasterwhen you are in a blended family.
Much fasterbecause you don't get that new.
Let's grow together.
Let's start our family together.
You are just set into the middleof two families already formed, right?
Yeah.
So you don't you don't even get thatthat real newness with each other.
So this is normal?
Oh, I think this is very normal.
I think this is very normal forthe things that you once thought were cuteand funnyand quirky are normal, are now annoyingand obnoxious and knock it off.
So I wanted to talk aboutif you've been out of that new stagefor a while and you're feeling likeeverything he or she doesbothers me,
Let's talk about how to freshen things up.
What do you think? Sounds good. Okay.
All right.
But we're going to be very specificon that.
On what we can do to freshen things up.
And the one thingwe're going to talk aboutspecifically are words
You can say absolutely not.
Things you do right, but wordsthat you can say on a daily basisthat will freshen things upand and keep things alive,because we could have severaldifferent episodes on things you could do.
Absolutely.
But today we're only going to thingsyou can say.
Yeah. Things you can.
You can say, okay, so first one,you look great.
Now I have to say so a lot of thesewe're going to be really honestwith these things and we'll tell you whatwe're good at and what we're not good at.
You are fantastic at this one.
Oh, thank you. So complimentsmean a lot to your spouse
If you've been married for 40 years,we need to hear it.
I think women especially need to hear it,but many to hear it too.
But you, Darren, is very complimentary.
Always.
Not always.
You do look great.
Well, I think I do appreciate that.
But I do get mad if I, like,come in and swear to no makeup and my hairsticking up everywhere and you're like,
Hey, beautiful.
I'm like, you know, I don't look beautifulright now, but so okay, so no patronize.
So yes, for you guys out there,if your wife just woke up,has been sick for several days,kind of smell and thenthe hair's everywhereand you know has bagsdon't realize going to her and say,oh, you look great.
Not a good thing to say. It's not.
Because then we wonder when you do tell uswe look great and we feel great,does he mean it or because he said itwhen we know we don't look great?
So so mean it,but do complement each other?
It means a lot. I really think it does.
What do you think?
No, I agree.
Now there's a trap.
Okay? It's that everyone knows this trap.
Does this dress make me look fat?
Yeah. Trap.
That's a trap. That's a trap.
So there is no goodand there's no good answer to that.
So to circumventthat trap from ever happening,tell your spousethey look great more oftenthan they don't have to ask for thatcompliment, because a lot of times you'resaying, does this dressmake me look fat?
They'relooking for some kind of compliment.
They're looking for validationthat they look good or they feelthey need that, right.
They need that validation.
Now, I also want your honest opinionand you do give it to me.
I'll try things on and I'll say,
What do you think?
And you'll say,
You know what? That doesn't.
You know, there's other dressesthat look better on you.
You do say thatand it's not flattering on, you know,
And I want that honest opinion.
I don't know why I do, though.
That is true.
So you've got to know your spouse.
You do you need to know your spouse.
And I want that from you.
I do.
I don't want to wear somethingthat doesn't look good on me.
And maybe I think it looks good.
But if someone else doesn'tthink it looks,it actually just mattersthat you think it looks good, right?
That's not true.
That's not true.
That'swhat other people think. It looks good.
All right.
So compliments. Do it. Don't hold back.
All right, next one. Thank you.
Okay.
I think this is we're really good at thisone, too, because we are both very awarethat we don't want to take each otherfor granted or take things for granted.
What do you think?
I totally agree.
And also, when you are sayingthank you, it helpsyou realize thatyou appreciate the workthat someone has done. Yes.
Right. Yes.
That youthat you need that help in your life.
This this really shows that dependencythat you have on each otherand really helps you grow closer together.
So I like this onea lot. Here's a great example.
You came home last night very late.
You've been up for 20 hours.
Yeah.
You took a one day tripand you had gotten up at four.
You got home at 11 and you walked in.
I was in bed and you went over and startedchanging your clothes.
And you noticed that
I had done the laundry and you said,
Thank you so much for doing the laundry.
Now, I really appreciate it. Yeah.
So finding even those small little things.
Well, the laundry was not a small thing,but the things that you would normally do,which is one of the one of the rolesthat you have.
Yes. You do the laundry. Right.
But when you say thank you,when I cook dinner,which I one of my roles is cooking dinner,it makes me want to do it again.
And I always tell you how appreciative
I am of your work and how much youdo for our family financially,where I don't hold back that way.
And always. Thank you. I appreciate that.
Yeah, we're very we're very gratefulfor the things each other.
So we're going to do this one.
Yeah, we'll get this one.
But I think Please don't.
We're perfect.
Just you guys know, I was going to say,do you want one that
I'm only putting this outfor our listeners,
One that you're not good atis it's not on here.
You're not great at saying please.
Well, hey, honey, if it's not on here,we're not supposed to talk about it.
But I always say, you'll say something.
I'll go. Please.
So please stick to the script.
It's not on the list,so we're not going to talk about it.
Okey dokey.
Thank you for reminding methat it's not on here.
Oh, great.
All right. Obviously,
I've got something to work on.
All right, The next one.
I think you're so amazing.
So we sometimes thinkthat our partner knows magically whatwe are thinking, and so we stop sayingthings like, I think you're greator I think you're wonderful,or I think you're amazing.
And I think these are thingsthat we need to tell each other.
And you don't have to use the wordamazing.
If you think that that's over the top,then don't use it.
That's not in your repertoire of wordsyou would normally say.
Then, you know, I have to say,
I think you're amazing.
You say something like,
Ooh, that's for your superpowers.
Yeah. Or what you're really good at.
Yeah, just say, that was really great.
Whatever you want to come up with. But.
But just keep telling themthat you think that they're great.
I find this one interestingbecause it affects your marriagein a profound way, because if you do this,then you're looking for thingsthat your spouse is good at.
Yeah, that excels at or is maybe hasn'tbeen good at,but is great at now or is progressing.
And if you're pointing those things outand saying them,you're also recognizinghow great you have it.
Oh, I like to have a spouselike this. Yeah.
So I think there's almost like a double,a double positive on this one.
Right. Okay.
Okay.
Now this next one I don't like at all.
I think this one's funny.
I don't like this one.
I would never say this,and I would never want you to say this.
Okay, Go ahead.
I love you anyway, honey.
I love you.
Anyway, a psychologist saidthat you're supposed to say I love you any
When your spouse makes it hard,it says when your spouse makes a mistake,it can be hard on both of you.
But what you say in the momentwill have a lasting impact by saying,
I love you anyway.
It's telling them that it'sokay to make a mistake.
Boo Boo.
I don't ever want me to make a mistake.
No, you would want me to saywhen you do make a mistakeor when I make a mistake,it's kind of condescending.
It is very gone. Is it?
I love you anyway, honey.
I love you any way.
Even if you. All right, So let's try.
Let's turn this around to something betterthat you could say, because I think the
I think the concept here is good in thatyour spouse does make mistakes.
Absolutely.
And sometimes you need to point that out.
Maybe you don't need to point that out.
That's a good one.
What what do we need to point outand what shouldn't we point out?
What do we need to let go?
And I think you need to let goa lot of things unless you're.
Well, here's the thing.
If your spouse is really feeling awfulabout the mistake that they made,then to me a different approach wouldbe, I'm really sorry, honey.
I'm really sorry that that happened.
Now you're empathizing with them.
You're not giving them a way out of,
Hey, I made a huge mistake, man.
That must be really toughto feel that way.
Or some way of empathizing with them.
Yeah, but little mistakes now.
You don't need to pick it those. Yeah,and that's hard.
And that's after you've been marrieda few years,you start to pick those thingsand we need to.
You have to really work at letting it go.
But yeah, that I love you anyway.
I think that I don't like that at all.
I if anyone has suggestionson a better way to say out onesthat might be good,but don't pick the scab.
Don't pick this up. Yeah.
All right, there we go.
So is that what you should say?
Honey, I'm not going to pick the scab.
Yeah, that'll be after.
I love you anyway.
I'm not going to pick the scar code.
Word will be scab.
I'll say scab,and you'll know that I love you anyway.
Okay.
All right.
The next one, we'll get through it.
So I kind of like this one.
Do you?
I do.
Because what you're saying is. Well,
I would add to it.
We'll get through it together.
We can work.
We can beat this problem together.
We've talked about this on our podcastbefore.
Yeah.
That it'syou and I against the world, right?
It's saying we're a team.
We're a team through it. Right?
So if there's a problemthat we're having in our relationship,we try and put it as the combatant.
What we're trying to as a team tackleand write and resolve, right.
And beat that conflict that we have.
Yeah, to me, I kind of like this one.
I do too.
I guess it's just just seeing it.
We'll get through it like woo rah rah.
Seems a little trite.
I don't know, but.
But yes, I understand.
You don't like those sports.
You don't like those sports things,though.
The rah rah rah.
Yeah. No, you don't.
You know. You know you don't like a coach.
Come on, let's workharder. Let's go, team. Let's go.
You don't want to seem little patronizingsometimes, but anyway.
But I understand the concept.
I understand what they're trying to say.
So I understand that we'll get through it.
I understand what they're trying to say.
We're a team. I'm on your side.
All right?
Like I get it.
I get it.
Okay.
All right, Next one.
This one. I know you want me to say more.
Yes, I'd love to. Yes.
So I think this is important,but there's a button.
Okay, What's the vibe?
Well, okay, so.
So the phrases. Yes. Are.
That is so what this is saying isbeing opento things that your spouse enjoysthat maybe you don't.
That's what this is saying.
Oh, okay.
I thought it was like, Honey, I need youto go get the Easter decorations.
No, no, that's not what this is saying.
I mean, yes, we could say thatthat's doing that, too.
But instead of an eyerolling like an eye roll. Huh?
But no, this is saying it's somethingthat's not your thing,but you're showing your support, right?
So I think that is really important.
Like, but what? Like give me an example.
Oh, like,if I want to go see a country concert.
You hate country.
Why would we do that?
And you support me by buying ticketsand stuff right now, I there's no
I don't know that there's any country band
I'd want to go see either, but.
But I know I get your point.
Yeah, I'd loveto. So you need to go beyondyour comfort level. Yes.
Sometimes.
And say, Yeah,hey, let's go do something different.
Let's go do something that you want,that you want to do.
Right now.
I also feel likeit's okay to let your spouse do theirown thing that you are interested in.
That's okay too,
So you've got to work on that.
But if if you're feeling like,you know,you want your spouse to support you and,you know, I really want you to go with meto do this, then talk to them about that.
And, you know,hopefully they'll go with you.
Maybe not every time, right?
Maybe not every time, but once or twice.
Just support, you know, somethingthat you like that you know, they don't.
Well,an interest can change over the years.
Best example.
Sorry, Rachel and Russell,
I'm calling you two out our kids.
Rachel hatedsports when she got married, and.
But Russell loves sports and any sport.
Russell loves watching,participating in anything.
So Rachel startedjust watching sports with him.
And then Rachel started loving sports.
Now, I think Rachel likes itmore than Russell.
Yeah, Yeah.
She used to just read a book whilehe watched the sports and it was fine.
And now she loves them.
So just, you know, you can change.
Yeah. Yeah, that's. That's good. The.
All right, next one.
I understand.
See, now,this one actually, Waller's me, too.
You know that this bothers.
Yes, because it sounds patronizing.
Oh, well, it does. Like.
So if I'm having.
Okay, here's a good example.
So say
I'm having it's that time of the monthfor me and I'm having crampsand I'm really in a bad mood.
And you're like, Oh, sweetie,
I understand.
No, you don't. You're not having cramps.
It's not the time of the month for you.
You've never had this. No, you don't.
Okay, now, so what should I do?
Not just hand you a box of chocolate?
Yeah, Just be like, Hey, what can I do?
What can I do to comfort you?
You know, I'm.
I'm here for you is fine, but I understandyou don't always understand exactlywhat they're going through right now.
I agree.
Hey, this reminds me of the new movie
Avatar.
What was the big word in therethat says, I understand.
I see you. You remember that in the movie?
She kept saying that.
And at the endit was the big phrase. It's the big eyes.
See you. Yes, It's all over The Bachelorright now. Right.
I see you. Which means OZO.
That's the key word.
That's a keyword on the Bachelor, right? Sees me.
You see me? Yeah.
Well, that that is what this really means,is I see what you're going through.
I may not understand it.
Yes, but I see what you're going through.
What can I do to help? Right?
So I don't necessarily thinkthat you should say I understand,because you probably don't.
But there's better things to just.
I hate.
What can I do for you?
Which actually is the next step.
And what can I do for you?
Yeah, what can I do for you?
I you know, I say this when you're sick.
Absolutely.
And I always get the same response.
Nothing.
Well, sometimes you can't do anythingwhen someone's sick.
Have a right.
But it's okay to say, Yeah,
I really need soupor I really need medicineor I really need something.
Otherwise on my side,what can I do for you?
I'm really honestly saying, Hey, what.
What can I do to help you go?
Oh, nothing.
That kind of shuts me down too.
I can't help you.
I want to take care of you.
I know you do.
You always want to take care.
I think most people want to take careof their spouse.
And a lot of times therereally is nothing that you can do, though.
But the.
It's appreciated that you ask,right?
Yeah, I guess so.
But I guess another thingthat you can do on this is look around.
Is there something obviousthat you could do to help out?
Okay. My gosh. Yeah.
All right.
The next one. I'm here for you,which I already mentioned to youinstead of I understand, right?
Just remind your spousethat they can count on you.
I've got your back, right?
That we're going through this together.
I'm here for you.
So that's a good one.
Okay.
Like I said, theseall seem a little cheesy to me.
I'm not into the cheese factor.
I'm here for you,but I'm going to use that one on you.
There's different ways you can say thatwithout just saying, I'm here.
I'm here for you.
I understand.
And I'm here for you. Any hope?
If there's any marriage counselorslistening today, Paige,or if any of you are seeing a marriagecounselor,you should have themlisten to this episode, because,like Paige, she's completely destroyedtheir whole toolbox.
Well, there's just other waysyou can say these things and just.
I'm here for you.
Okay, last one. And I love this one.
And we say this one all the time.
She almo I love you.
Three simple words. Yep.
I think these are important.
I don't think you could say it too much.
I don't think it's overused.
That's just my opinion.
Well, you know,this reminds me of the movie Moonstruck.
Do you remember the movie Moonstruck?
I do, but not specifically.
Yeah, that's what's funny about you.
Remember all the movies.
But there's a line in there. It's the.
It's the dad.
He won't say I love you to is to his wife.
Okay?
He'll say it in Italian,but he won't say it in English, okay?
Until things kind of fall apart.
And then he finally does,which is really sad.
That is really sad. I think thatsaying I love you,it just even if you're madat your spouse, hearing thatlike hearing themsay that it does, it kind of.
So if we're yelling at each other,
I can say I love you.
Sure. Give it a shot. Try.
I got to figure out what we'regoing to argue about so we can do this.
All right?
So don't let a day pass without sayingloving things to your partner.
The reason I picked this is because
I think when you're talkingnice to each other, itthat bleeds into maybe putting those rosecolored glasses back on itcan bleed into other things in your life.
If you're talking nice to each other,then I think that canpermeateinto all aspects of your relations.
I think you hit it.
I think you hit the main pointof all these phrases isare you talking nice to your spouse?
Right?
Are you talking nice about your spouse?
Yeah. Familiarity breeds contempt.
I really hate that phrase.
I you know, I do bring it upbecause I think it is true when I think wesometimes treatthe people we love the most, the worst.
And that's what that that's whatthat scene means, Right.
I know.
I think I think it's a horrible saying.
It is, but it's a lot of the timesit's true.
Let's make it not true.
Well, I agree with you there. Yes.
I really think familiarity shouldreally deep in your love for each other.
And I think put the rose colored glassesback on and say,what are the great things about my spousethat I just totally adore?
And, you know, we lovewe've talked about this before.
If you want to find the flawsin your spouse.
Oh, it's real easy to find.
We all have flaws.
You are not speaking from experience.
No, not at all.
Just books that I've read, movies
I've watched.
But we can You can find them.
You can find them. It's not hard.
But don't look for them.
Don't look for them.
Look for the good things.
I think your spouse already knowswhat their flaws are.
They don't know, of course.
And and, you know, this goes intokind of my philosophyon actually teaching children as well.
If you focus only on their weaknesses,that will be the focus of their self-worthis their weaknesses.
If you focus on their strengths, it'samazing what those strengthswill overcome their weaknessesjust by overwhelming their weaknesses.
The best example I have ofthis is with my oldestson, Matthew, who was growing up.
One of his weaknesses was mathematics.
He hated it.
He wouldn't.
And we've worked on it.
We were.
Oh, it was awful.
And we worked really hard on it.
And he just became moreand more frustrated.
And finally I said, Forget it.
He loved to readand he could read anything.
So what did we do?
We bought himbooks about the history of mathematics.
And guess what?
He devoured those books and he startedto use that reading talent that he had.
His strength overcame math.
Is he a incredible mathematician now?
No, he's not. Butthat strength that he had toconsume literature and readand things like thatcompletely overwhelmedhis deficits that he had in math.
I think the same thing's truein our marriage.
I think if we focus on the strengthsof our spouse,it will overshadow the smallwe weaknesses and flaws in their characteror in theiror in in every aspect of their life.
All right. Did I get off my soapbox?
Are you all bored? Mm hmm.
I figured as much timeare eliminated, Member of the weekhas to do with weather again.
Snow at a swim meet of all places.
The first time we've had snowin 12 years in Folsom.
I don't even know that it was snow.
It was sleet. It was. It was horrible.
Here's what you might have in snowfor like a minute or two.
But when you're at a swim meet,you don't expect it to be snowing.
But that's what happened to us.
We went to David's swim meetand it snowed.
It was that was pretty much lemons.
Was there any lemonade from it?
I mean, just getting to support him.
But it was freezing.
It was freezing.
And the kids will remember thatthe rest of their lives.
So that was kind of cool.